Harry Potter and the Love Decagon of DOOM
by i.love.you.k
Summary: 10 people, A million possible lovers. You do the math. Many people loving many other people. Get used to it.
1. Chapter 1

Hey. i..love.you.k. and poodlehair92 wrote this story. It will get funny this is just the intro. Depending on how long, there will be mutiple diary entries in one chap. Were trying to do it so each little love group each has its own Chap., but sometimes it won't work. Don't get mad at Dudley's entries. He's dumb so the words are spelled wrong. PLEASE REVIEW AND NO FLAMING. if you do, I'll just delete it and then find where you live and kill you in your sleep. THX! I would put something between the entries but the computer won't let me. FAGET!

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Chap:1 Sorting Hat, Dumbledor, and Dudley.

Dear Diary,

Sorting Hat here. I just got back from repairs. I feel better then ever. Well I did until I got back. Dumblie keeps looking at me in this weird way. I feel very self-conscious. Well they had to send me all the way to the muggle world to get repairs from a wizard who lives there. While I was there I saw this boy and I found my self wanting him. Now you know I'm gay so I'm sure this is no surprise, but this was a boy. And a Fat one! I feel very strange. I am glad because I managed to find out his name. _Dudley_. Cute right. I know, I don't really go for the whales, but today has changed my entire perspective on life. OMG! i almost forgot to mention! The wizard who repaired me mentioned that _Dudley_ is somehow related to Harry Potter! What a great summer this is going to be. I only need to find a way to get back to the muggle world now...

Sorting Hat

Deer Dairy,

Yo. Im hungrie. I really wish I could get some food. I love food. More then the average fatty. Like, I sometimes kiss my food. Is that Weird? what eveszszs. I still love it. I wish me and food could make babies. Then I could eat the babies. Yummy. Mum says babies come from the stork but I'm like 17 so I know better. They come from food. I love food. sometimes on tests, when i don't know the answer, I put food. I'm so smart. By the way, today I saw this nasty, ugly hat. I could have sworn it was staring at me. I love food.

LUV,

Dudley

Dear Diary,

I haven't written in awhile. I hope you haven't forgotten me. To refresh your memory, I'm Albus Dumbledor. Most of my 'close' friends call my Dumblie. So of course no one calls me Dumblie, but once I get some close friends, I will tell them to call me that. Just one moment. There is a knock on my door.

It is a package. How wonderful. Its Sorting Hat back from the repair shop. He looks quite good if I don't say so myself. Really good. REALLY GOOD! Wait! What did I just write?!?!?! Give me a minute to collect my thoughts.

I read, reread, and read again. I have come to the awkward decision that I find the Sorting Hat attractive. How odd. The Sorting Hat. I wonder... I just had an sudden serge to put the Sorting Hat on my head. How...Dirty...I must go clear my thoughts in the Pensive. I shall write again. I think this is going to be an interesting summer break.

Dumblie.

I guess I consider you my close friend.

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If you haven't already, REVIEW!!!! K THX! BYE!


	2. Chapter 2

Voldemort:

_Dear diary… wait I mean journal, evil manly journal,_

_I had taken it upon myself to try and win Ron Weasley back by seducing him. So in my entire evil splendor, I had arranged for a weekend cabin stay in the Swiss Alps, a very romantic cabin that is. All I had to do was send Ronniekins a note asking him to meet me here. Since we used to be lovers, he should have responded quickly and in the affirmative, but I didn't take into account, his level of intelligence. He must have realized what I was up to and said no. But of course I am a genius so I came up with a plan B. This plan involved drugging him and taking him there against his will. It is so romantic, instead of his one true love rescuing him from the clutches of evil; the clutches would be his one true love._

_So I had one of the Deatheaters, a rookie named Miss Lang…. no Sang….oh I got it Chang. Yes so she kidnapped him and brought him to me. And my love spent all of his night in my arms. We shall live happily ever after, I know it. Well as soon as I kill Harry Potter, and my son with Hermione who looks strangely like him._

Ron:

_Dear journal that Hermione gave me for Christmas,_

_So I got the strangest letter from Lord Voldemort (he hates it when people leave out the 'Lord 'part) He was asking me to meet him in a secluded cabin in the Swiss Alps. Now I may have slept with him a few times, but that didn't seem like a reason why he would want to talk to me. He did write something about seducing me and keeping me in his romantic clutches, but I think that's irrelevant. Do you like that word diary? Hermione taught it to me it is now the second longest word I know (the third being quidditch) I feel so smart. Wait, hold on, for some strange reason Cho Chang is at the door. I am now asking if she is looking for Harry to win him back and snog him senseless. I then tell him that he is at Dumbledore's office trying to get him into bed. But that isn't what she wants; Hmmmm let me see what she does. Wait I feel funny. Mommy, make the peapods stop chasing me!_

Hamburger:

Dear diary,

Well I have some big news, and no the new issue if sesame seed buns monthly did not come out. It is even better than that. I think I'm in love. I saw the most beautiful man yesterday. He had come into the diner where I live (I'm a member of the display case guild) He was tall, had shoulder-length black hair, which was a little greasy, but hey, I'm a hamburger; I'm all about grease. His dark ebony eyes started at me in hunger and he slowly licked his lips. The waitress then asked him what he wanted and offered him a cup of coffee. He said his name was Severus and he was going to take his food to go. He was supposed to meet his girlfriend somewhere and she wanted a hamburger. Well yes, he does have a girlfriend, but if he knew about me, well he would change his mind. I then threw myself at him and covered him in ketchup; I wanted to mark him as my own. Well he got a little freaked out, but I suppose it was to cover up the sexual tension. Goodness knows that there was enough of it that even the Diet Pepsi would have noticed it (and she's not quite right in the head). Well perhaps my love will return soon, maybe to dine-in, or maybe to just visit me. Or I shall have to make the first move and track him down. No one hides from the great Larry the Hamburger

Snape:

Dear diary,

Oh how I love you diary, you are my one true friend. Wait, I think I was channeling that-old-doddering-fool-who-eats-so-much-junk-food-he-will have-a-heart-attack-someday, also known as Albus Dumbledore. The part about not having a friend isn't true anyway, I have Cho. She is my one true love, and it is even better because I stole her from that Potter brat. How dare he look so much like his father, and Albus, and like pretty much everyone else I have ever met that annoys me. Well at least I have my love-birdie (that's my nickname for her, don't you love it). Speaking of Cho-Cho (another adorable nickname) I had the weirdest thing happen to me today. I went into a magical diner and went to order some food for us to eat after our long night (Ewwww diary, don't think like that, we were up late plotting evil) and there was this hamburger. Now I know what you are thinking, duh there was a hamburger, you were in a diner, but this was different. I swear this one winked at me, it was in a display case next to a peach pie, and it looked straight at me and winked. No please don't send me to St. Mungo's but I am positive that it happened. Then when the waitress went to go give the cook my order it threw itself at me. It was crazy, plus as it came towards me I heard it say something about wanting my wand shudders. I can only hope that this deranged meat patty never finds me. Well I am going to go find Miss Chang (oops I meant Cho, Miss Chang is habit from when I taught her two years ago).


	3. Chapter 3

Harry:

Dear notebook thingy I write my intimate thoughts in,

Today started off normal. Mione and I tried to stop Lil'Harry from killing the neighbor's dog, but failed. We had to come up with an excuse for our physcopathic 5 year old, when Lil'Harry attempted to kill Crookshanks. He is so crazy! He put Crookshanks in a pillowcase and pinned him to the laundry line! The freak was going to pumble Crookshanks with a baseball bat as he was suspending defensly by the laundry line. Mione was totally freaked and sent Lil'Harry to his "alone place" which is a closet in the basement that Mione locks after he crawls in. No wonder the kid kills small animals! He spends half his time locked in a small closet with no human contact! I really hope he doesn't figure out to use his powers anytime soon. Today: hitting animals with bats, Tomorrow: the death curse. But the weirdest thing of all is that he looks exactly like me! Its really scary! After Mione shoved mini-me into the closet, she mysteriously left so I went to see Dumbledore. I just couldn't resist! I know, hes like 80 million years old, but his beard is just so darn sexy. Unfortunaly I think he has a thing for the sorting hat. Only because I saw them making out once. It was akward. Anyways, I'm going to see him. Bye

Harry

Hermione:

Dear Unicorn-shaped Diary,

Man what a rough day! My son I had with Voldemort is such a freak! I'm just going to stop thinking about it. I went over to Voldie's (thats my pet name for Voldemort) House, but he wasn't there. I sent some of the deatheaters to find him. I finally won full custody of Lil'Harry and half custody of the death eaters. I also went over to Ron's place, but he wasn't there either. There was a note on the door that said he was on vacation for a few days, but thats not like Ron to go on vacation without any notice. And everything was spelled right in the note. Well, whatever. When I got home, I got a call from one of my friends who works at the magical diner. She said Snape was there. At first I wasn't amused, but trust me, the story gets good! He was looking at one of the hamburgers when it 'attacked' him. He was covered in kechup! I wish I had seen it! I was laughing so hard it almost drowned out the sound of Lil'Harry's screams. Almost.

Mione


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